Speaking from the Heart
by Ariel Mayrose
What does it mean to "Speak from the Heart"?
It sounds very easy, but it's not so easy to do.
The main difficulty in interpersonal communication is due to our natural physiological tendency to look first outward and not inward.
Almost 80% of the sensory information that comes to our brain comes from the eyes. It's not a mystery why we tend to blame the other for our own misery. Our eyes, that look outwards, see the other as responsible for our personal difficulties. When our desires and needs are not met, we tend to judge the other, criticize and blame. This criticism causes the other to get offended, and to get caught in "fight, flight or freeze" patterns. Tragically, this creates a negative cycle that makes it difficult for us to fulfill our needs. Additionally, as a society, our current habitual way of thinking of right-wrong, should-shouldn't, good-evil, makes it even harder for us to behave in a different way.
The practice of Non-violent communication (NVC), developed by Dr. Marshal Rosenberg in the 1960's, succeeds in addressing the difficulty most of us have to understand and communicate with each other in a constructive way.
In NVC we practice listening to ourselves - which, as you may know, is easier said than done. This is the art of listening to our deepest fears and emotional challenges, that we've been trying to hide so we won't get hurt. This why listening to our feelings can be quite challenging, often leading us to neglect our feelings. But when we lose touch with our feelings, we lose touch with our life-censors - sometimes referred to as our "gut-feelings".
The good news is that even if we've lost touch with our censors, they are always there working hard to remind us and bring us back.
The bad news is that our habitual way of being, as a society, is to constantly be looking outside ourselves for someone to blame. This applies to virtually all of our collective structures and institutions - court systems, schools, and of course mainstream media.
We've been raised in this world and since we have been programmed to behave this way, it's quite challenging to change this negative cycle. Especially when people keep on blaming us. Is it any wonder that our hearts then shut down, preventing us from truly speaking from the heart?
The negative cycle can be described like this:
People are blaming us – we got hurt – the heart shuts down - we tend to forget our feelings – we look outside and not inside – we blame the other – people blame us.
The way to break this cycle is to slow down and remember, especially when we're hurt, that we want to act instead of continuing to re-act our past.
When we remember to slow down and look inside, the transformation begins.
We can get in touch with our feelings, our life-censors.
When we look at how we feel, we reconnect with our authentic needs, taking our attention away from blame and judgment.
The heart of the methodology of nonviolent communication, as Marshal Rosenberg says, is: "Everything we do, we do to meet a Need". When I can see my own actions or the actions of others in a context of human needs, I experience more understanding, connection, compassion and harmony.
As long as I choose to think about needs, the more likely I am to see and understand the other and myself.
When I understand myself, and get in touch with my real needs, then I am able to imagine ways to fulfill those needs. When I follow that path, of understanding my needs, trying to accomplish my needs, in a way that will be aligned with other people's needs – I can live a sustainable life of ease, joy and harmony.
At "Speaking from the Heart" course-retreat you will:
• Shift the focus from the other to yourself, becoming more familiar with tuning in to your feelings and needs without "involving" the other. By doing this, the automatic, habitual criticism will be replaced with understanding and empathy to both yourself and the other.
• Learn how to communicate your feelings and needs to the other, to fulfill your needs in effective, easy and joyful ways.
"Speaking from the Heart" provides tools for making a deep connection and compassion in your day-to-day life.
It is highly recommended for individuals and couples seeking better ways of understanding and communicating with each other, and is vital for those living in intentional communities who are often saddled with trying to solve conflicts in a peaceful way.
What will you get from this retreat?
• Connection to yourself and an understanding what underlies your behavior.
• Liberation from restraints and barriers that prevent you from realizing yourself.
• A shift away from automatic actions (re-actions) that are based on fear and anxiety into conscious and beneficial behavior.
• Clarity about your needs and how to fulfill them.
• Tools for effective communication.
• Noticeable improvement in the quality of your interpersonal relationships.
Our NVC work will be supported each day with the energetic practice of Qigong - to ground, center and connect ourselves with ourselves and our environment. The Qigong and meditations practices will also be offered to enable us to focus on effortless-effort, further aligning us with NVC's concept of getting rid of our habitual "should-shouldn't" thoughts.
Doing these body-practices daily in the routine of the course will keep your awareness within and connect you to the power of love, which is the highest form of energy. This will strengthen your ability to be compassionate and loving toward yourself and others as you learn the way of Nonviolent-communication, enabling you to find your way back to your truth and finally to Speak from the Heart.