How to be a Permaculture Prepper: Self-reliance for the End of the World
By Mathew “Mateo” Pattillo
(Warning: This article MAY contain humor)
Have you been haunted by dreams of the impending apocalypse? Is a sense of doom (and a complementary sense of gloom) beginning to pervade your every waking moment? Do you sometimes wake up in the middle of the night, thinking you left the stove on, only to realize it’s not your kitchen on fire, but the whole stinkin’ world?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you may be reading the most timely and relevant blog/article of your life.
True, the world is a complex and scary place, and every year it seems to get more and more scary and complex. Change is coming faster than ever before, and it’s sometimes hard not to feel like this really is the End Times coming to town to crash on our couch for a while. “Horseman #3, Pestilence, Horseman #3, your sandwich is ready.” Would you like a cold Corona with that?
But here’s the so what: So what if the world is ending? So what if everything collapses around us and burns to ash and the acid rains fall and the oceans rise up and the heavens themselves come crashing down to Earth So what, IF YOU can survive it all, and do it in style!
This is: How to Use the Principles of Permaculture to Ensure that YOU Survive the Apocalypse and are Around to Rebuild Society After the Dust Settles (And Look Good While you’re Doing it).
Permaculture Prepper Principles
Now there are a lot of different ways to embody the Permaculture Prepper spirit, but I’m going to focus on what I’ve identified as some key points.
Water is a Valuable Resource
One aspect of the impending change that you cannot overlook is the increase in resource scarcity that is likely coming. In the new age around the corner, the principle of “There is no such thing as waste” will become more like a natural law. Hopefully you’re already using a compost toilet, but you’re gonna have to take it to the next level.
Yes, that means it’s time to start drinking your own pee. There is a ton of nutrients just going down the drain every day: salts, amino acids, nitrogen, smelly stuff, and yellow all packed up in there, and I’d be willing to bet that you’ve been letting it all go to waste. Shame really. But it’s ok, it’s never too late to make a change for the better, and the time is now. Get used to this, because it is going to become a necessary norm in the not so distant future. Also it’s sterile and has a great flavor. Beyond these obvious benefits, it’s also a critical way to save water. When the wells n’ pipes ain’t runnin’ free, you’ll be glad you’re drinkin’ pee. That’s what my grandpappy used to say to me, and by golly he was right!
Prepping 101: Beans Have Power
Another critical factor in your survival is going to be your food supply. Permaculture principles abound around this factor. Plant different crops together, plant many diverse species, zone your space for ease of access and maintenance according to need, etc. etc. But we also need to look to a key prepper principle if we want to be truly prepared. That is: have as many cans of beans as possible.
It is a law of the apocalypse that whosoever holds the most beans, holds the most power. You can use canned beans to pay off wasteland bandits, barter for honey with your neighbor, and even to chuck at one of the heads of the giant mutant rats invading your root cellar. Canned beans are invaluable, and if you really want to make it in the New World, you’re gonna have to can your own beans.
In order to maximize the efficiency of your operation, and to integrate with your permaculture system, you can plant the empty cans around your bean plants, right next to your corn, and alongside your squash. This way you can knock the ripe beans right down into the can, saving lots of time and hassle, and giving you immediate bean cannage. The metal cans in the soil can also leach some essential mineral nutrients, giving your plants a boost that they’ll be thanking you for. This kind of next level companion planting is what will give you the edge you’ll need to not just survive, but to THRIVE.
Visualize the Future: What does 2050 look like? What do you look like in 2050?
Next up is a very important piece, so I want you to read closely. Think about all the apocalypse movies you’ve seen. Think about the drawings, the comics, the TV shows, all the visual examples of the End Times that you’ve seen before. All the people who are still alive and kickin’ it, what do they look like? What do they have in common?
That’s right! They all have badass apocalypse outfits! This is not by accident. It is actually a key factor for your survival, so you should take some time now while you have it to get your outfits ready, and lookin’ sleek n fleek ya hear?
By starting this process early, you can also abide by another Permie principle, which is to start small and make gradual changes. Get a few piercings, maybe a scary skull tattoo on your neck. Start wearing a wallet chain, and perhaps a spiky bracelet. This way, when the time comes to don the garb in full, you’ll feel comfortable, and that much more ready to tackle the big challenges ahead with a solid foundation of wasteland style confidence built up over time.
Get prepped
Definitely learn to use one of these!
Oh dang, look at the time! I’ve got to go clean out the guinea pig cages. That’s another point I forgot to mention; guinea pigs are key. Don’t overlook the guinea pigs. Anyway, I’ll be back next time to talk about how permaculture principles can be applied to toast for a delicious breakfast. Good luck preppin’ y’all!
Want to Learn More?
If you want to know what the actual Permaculture Principles are, read our past blog article on how we apply them here at the Ranch.
Or join us for our annual Permaculture Design Course! We have one in November 2020 and another in April 2021.