The Fear of Splitting Open, and no, I’m not talking About Jackfruit
By 2023 apprentice Elya Justina Mech
Living in community as an apprentice at Rancho Mastatal has stirred many changes within me, perhaps more so than the hotter climate, the ever present bugs and stinging things, the new work which challenges my body and mind. The most transformational aspect of this experience, hands down, is the intensity of self-reflection and personal growth that is a natural biproduct of our new social living conditions.
Who am I?
I thought I knew who I was before coming here, having been through many seasons of inner work and change, of death and rebirth. And of course one does not ‘arrive’, finding themselves in a place where the work is complete and the Self ceases to evolve. But there is a unique, accelerating factor of community that hastens this process and perhaps probes a little deeper than ‘regular life’.
Who am I in community?
In the earlier days of my arrival, I was surprised at how my personality took to hiding behind short, congenial answers, shy mouthfuls of food, and letting someone else do the talking. I was afraid to be vulnerable with my new group of apprentices and the core team, let alone the groups of guests who were arriving and departing every week or two and visitors who may join us for just a few days. I had considered myself to be outgoing, silly, confident and eager to speak of matters of the heart. Where did I go?
I recently read a passage of a book that said our personalities develop out of our survival of childhood – we are who we are to continue to receive love and affection. So perhaps unconsciously aware, I was craving such acceptance by my new group of friends/fellow students/housemates/teachers/mentors, and yet was afraid.
What parts of myself am I willing to share? What parts of myself am I willing to be rejected? Or misunderstood? Which of my shadows are being exposed against my attempts to conceal them, the bad habits I know I need to work on, the ones I’d rather not have to face right now? And who am I becoming, in this environment of everything new, who is this new me?
One aspect that has been particularly contrasted for me was the sharing of my artwork and poetry. Before coming to the Ranch, it was my usual habit to share these expressions of myself online or within an already established artist community. I have sold paintings at street markets, posted poetry online, and shared photos of projects I’ve been working on. Sharing bits of yourself to ‘’the whole world’’ although somewhat anonymously, hidden behind a profile is quite different to sitting in the presence of another while you open a part of your soul, vulnerable to their opinion whether spoken or simply felt. I had been meaning to attend an open mic night back home to read some of my writing aloud but I never worked up the courage and continued to find excuses not to get on stage.
But here at the Ranch, I felt a new opportunity stir within me, to be brave enough to share some of my poems that were closest to my heart. Firstly, at our evening Hankey hangouts by fairy lights (‘’The Hankey’’ is one of the natural buildings here which houses up to five of the apprentices at a time), and later at our dinnertime circles at the main house.
Thank you for letting me be brave in this community
I was further inspired by a solo traveller who was kind enough to gift me with a pocket sized watercolour set after our conversations regarding art and writing. I had packed my brushes and a pad of paper but neglected to bring along a vital set of paints. I have enjoyed many afternoons either in my ‘’Annex’’ bedroom (an extension of the Hankey that seems to float among the trees), down at the river or perched in the old honey bee shed among the jackfruit trees and bamboo. Thank you sweet friend.
I’m also grateful for the kind guest and new friend who spent time harvesting fruit with me several afternoons, speaking of our philosophies of life and talking about poetry, favourite books and humble living. I was encouraged to continue working on my books and art and it reaffirmed my desire to live as close to the creative process and Source of creation as possible, that being my true joy.
Thank you for letting me be me in this community
Another new interpersonal experience for me has been learning how to have a bad day around others. No longer being able to retreat fully from the world when I’m feeling out of sorts, I am discovering how to be myself and not put on a mask which is easy to do in conventional living. When someone here asks you how you’re doing, you don’t get away with a simple ‘’fine’’ or ‘’good’’ ;)
Conversely, I have also been learning how to let others have a bad day as well, offering concern and a listening ear but giving space, the understanding when perhaps they are short-tempered with you and being available later for smoothing things over if egos were bruised.
Thank you for letting me be imperfect in this community
At this point, after nearly five months of jungle community living, I’m forgetting what ‘normal’ is, what endless concrete feels like to look at, why billboards exist. The thought of eating dinner alone seems preposterous and I have grown quite used to living with no walls and only a curtain to provide me most of my privacy. (A hummingbird just flew into my bedroom as I write this, so, you can understand the trade-off). I’m still learning how to show up as my best self, allowing the lessons coming my way to be integrated gracefully.
So what profound conclusion can I leave you with? Just one that is not my own and has been said time and time again. Despite the truth in this song I’ve been listening to lately
‘’perhaps the fear of splitting open, showing some parts of yourself that you don’t even really want to –‘’
Be yourself. Bravely, your imperfect self and see what new things unfold.
